What Does It Really Mean to Know Yourself? | Johnny Pawlik, Brand and Communications Leader

Sep 8

Written By Seven J

Why Do We Live By Values That Aren't Even Ours?

Ever catch yourself doing something that feels completely wrong, yet you keep doing it anyway? You're not alone. Most of us are walking around living by values we never actually chose - values handed down by parents, shaped by society, or absorbed from social media without question.

It's mental. We spend years building careers we don't want, maintaining relationships that drain us, and pursuing goals that make us miserable. All because we've never stopped to ask: "Are these actually my values, or someone else's?"

The Inherited Values Problem

Here's what's fascinating: we're told constantly to "be authentic" and "be yourself," but most of us wouldn't recognise our true selves if they knocked on our front door. We're living by inherited programming - values passed down through generations without any quality control.

Think about it. Your parents valued financial security, so now you're stuck in a job you hate because "it pays well." Society says success looks a certain way, so you're chasing metrics that mean nothing to you personally. Your peer group values certain lifestyle choices, so you're conforming even when it feels wrong.

This creates what psychologists call cognitive dissonance - the mental discomfort you feel when your actions don't match your actual beliefs. And here's the kicker: this isn't just psychological torture. Research shows that living out of alignment with your true values literally damages your physical health.

The Self-Authoring Solution

Johnny J Pawlik, who's spent over 20 years helping people align their communications with their authentic values, puts it brilliantly: we need to become "self-authoring." Instead of letting others write our story, we need to pick up the pen ourselves.

Self-authoring isn't about becoming selfish or ignoring everyone else's needs. It's about consciously choosing which values actually serve you and which ones you're carrying around like dead weight. It's about rewriting your personal narrative with compassion rather than just accepting the story that was handed to you.

This process requires serious honesty. You might discover that some of your proudest achievements were actually driven by trauma or a desperate need for approval. That's not comfortable, but it's necessary.

Finding Balance Between Individual and Collective

Here's where it gets tricky. Western culture pushes hyper-individualism - "do whatever makes you happy" - whilst Eastern cultures often emphasise collective harmony above personal authenticity. Both extremes are dangerous.

Pure individualism leads to selfish behaviour that damages relationships and communities. Pure collectivism leads to self-betrayal and resentment. The sweet spot is developing what experts call "cultural intelligence" - understanding different value systems whilst maintaining your authentic core.

This means you can adapt to different environments and respect others' values without completely abandoning your own. You can be flexible without being fake.

The Hard Work Reality Check

Let's be clear about something: knowing your values isn't enough. Manifestation without action is just wishful thinking. Once you've identified your true values, you need to do the hard work of aligning your life with them.

This might mean having difficult conversations, changing careers, ending toxic relationships, or rebuilding your entire lifestyle. It's not easy, but the alternative - continuing to live someone else's life - is much worse.

The goal isn't perfection. It's alignment. It's making choices that feel true to who you actually are rather than who you think you should be.

Starting Your Own Value Audit

Ready to stop living by borrowed values? Start here:

Question everything. Why do you believe what you believe? Where did these values come from? Are they serving you or controlling you?

Notice the discomfort. Pay attention to moments when you feel that cognitive dissonance - when something feels "off" even if you can't explain why.

Write your story. Literally. Write down your life story, but focus on reframing experiences with compassion rather than judgement. Look for patterns of where you've betrayed your true self.

Test small changes. You don't need to blow up your entire life overnight. Start with small decisions that align with your authentic values and see how they feel.

Your Life, Your Values, Your Choice

Living authentically isn't about being the "best version of yourself" - that implies there's some perfect standard to reach. It's about being the most honest version of yourself. It's about choosing values that actually fit rather than forcing yourself into someone else's blueprint.

The world doesn't need another carbon copy. It needs your authentic contribution. But first, you need to figure out what that actually looks like when it's not filtered through everyone else's expectations.

Stop living someone else's life. Your values, your story, your choice.

Sources:

Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance
White, M. & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative Means to Therapeutic Ends
Earley, P.C. & Ang, S. (2003). Cultural Intelligence: Individual Interactions Across Cultures
Peterson, J. (2012). Self Authoring Suite

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